You know, back when blogging was still an activity and not a profession, I'd put my word vomit freely out there. The way I used to write was very organic...raw and open. (Perhaps this changed partly because of my job writing...)
Just right now I decided to reread my old entries and see how proud or appalled I'd be about my life's current state. And I discovered that my conflicted emotions and perspectives then are pretty much conflicted today still (especially about careers in food and fashion hehe). Although, it is quite comforting to know that to a certain degree life does get better.
Anyway, I'm currently tearing up reading this old entry from one of my now-defunct blogs, sinequinone. I don't remember what exactly I was going through, but I wish I could give my baby self the hug she needs. (Judging by the date on this post, it seems this was a matter related to the heart and to friendship, which I am not comfortable divulging just yet.)
Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
I like to think of myself as an oyster. One with a really tough shell, but which within lies a vulnerability only I can understand. I may have developed a bad phobia for showing emotion, yet at the same time it has been good to me in the way that it has kept me from heartache and paranoia and loss of relationships. It's the reason why I like being alone so much: I don't have to deal with others' emotions, because dealing with my own already knots the convolutions in my brain.
Some people work up an appetite trying to shuck an oyster. Desperate, excited, anxious to discover what it really is. Forgive me if I have become a hard shell with the years that have gone by. And as much as I try to escape the trap that I had set up for myself, I do hope you work with me in meeting me halfway, in setting me free, and not giving up. At least not give up hope. At least not give up faith. I don't usually ask for it and I rarely give it... but I need a hug.
If only I can spit out what my mind says to me all the time, then you would fully understand. But I am most often misunderstood and dismissed before I can even get a point across. Maybe they think that will all this hard shell, even their most distasteful comments and bad jokes can't hurt the slightest bit.
It sucks that when they let me down, you also did.
It sucks that I am all cliched right now. And that I am confused. This one's for you. Not just for a partner, a classmate, a friend, a parent.
Life.
Just right now I decided to reread my old entries and see how proud or appalled I'd be about my life's current state. And I discovered that my conflicted emotions and perspectives then are pretty much conflicted today still (especially about careers in food and fashion hehe). Although, it is quite comforting to know that to a certain degree life does get better.
Anyway, I'm currently tearing up reading this old entry from one of my now-defunct blogs, sinequinone. I don't remember what exactly I was going through, but I wish I could give my baby self the hug she needs. (Judging by the date on this post, it seems this was a matter related to the heart and to friendship, which I am not comfortable divulging just yet.)
Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Tuesday, 1 June 2010
I like to think of myself as an oyster. One with a really tough shell, but which within lies a vulnerability only I can understand. I may have developed a bad phobia for showing emotion, yet at the same time it has been good to me in the way that it has kept me from heartache and paranoia and loss of relationships. It's the reason why I like being alone so much: I don't have to deal with others' emotions, because dealing with my own already knots the convolutions in my brain.
Some people work up an appetite trying to shuck an oyster. Desperate, excited, anxious to discover what it really is. Forgive me if I have become a hard shell with the years that have gone by. And as much as I try to escape the trap that I had set up for myself, I do hope you work with me in meeting me halfway, in setting me free, and not giving up. At least not give up hope. At least not give up faith. I don't usually ask for it and I rarely give it... but I need a hug.
If only I can spit out what my mind says to me all the time, then you would fully understand. But I am most often misunderstood and dismissed before I can even get a point across. Maybe they think that will all this hard shell, even their most distasteful comments and bad jokes can't hurt the slightest bit.
It sucks that when they let me down, you also did.
It sucks that I am all cliched right now. And that I am confused. This one's for you. Not just for a partner, a classmate, a friend, a parent.
Life.
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